TELL ME WHERE THE BOMB IS!
Yes, this list of "Jack Bauerisms" is totally sampled from C.W. Nevius. But that's okay. You see, Jack Bauerisms are inspired by Chuck Norris "facts," which were inspired by Bill Brasky stories, which were probably inspired by somebody else.
This is called "remixing." Ask Diddy for help if you haven't figured it out yet.
Anyways:
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12". (ha)
Nobody says 'hit me' when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.
Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
Jack Bauer's calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
It's no use crying over spilt milk ... unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh, you are so screwed.
1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.
If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef ... then it's beef.
Let's get one thing straight - the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with violence.
Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
If you're holding a gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to three before you shoot. Count to 10. That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.
Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.
If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.
When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something, then you better do it.
Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards "The Man of Year*", there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, " *besides Jack Bauer."
In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the heck have you done with your life?
Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.
Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.
Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing.
You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
Jack Bauer doesn't play the game SORRY. Jack Bauer apologizes to no one.
Due to Jack Bauer, no one looks forward to the weekend anymore, they look forward to the weekend being over, and watching 24 on Monday.
What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.
In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. They are all Jack Bauer.
There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way, but faster with more deaths.
In poker, Jack Bauer doesn't need to bluff. He looks at opponent, tells them to fold, and they do so. Always.
This is called "remixing." Ask Diddy for help if you haven't figured it out yet.
Anyways:
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12". (ha)
Nobody says 'hit me' when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.
Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
Jack Bauer's calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
It's no use crying over spilt milk ... unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh, you are so screwed.
1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.
If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef ... then it's beef.
Let's get one thing straight - the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with violence.
Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
If you're holding a gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to three before you shoot. Count to 10. That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.
Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.
If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.
When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something, then you better do it.
Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards "The Man of Year*", there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, " *besides Jack Bauer."
In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the heck have you done with your life?
Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.
Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.
Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing.
You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
Jack Bauer doesn't play the game SORRY. Jack Bauer apologizes to no one.
Due to Jack Bauer, no one looks forward to the weekend anymore, they look forward to the weekend being over, and watching 24 on Monday.
What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.
In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. They are all Jack Bauer.
There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way, but faster with more deaths.
In poker, Jack Bauer doesn't need to bluff. He looks at opponent, tells them to fold, and they do so. Always.
Robert said this @ 10:45:00 PM
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