Robert's House of Hamsters

Somewhere between Sacramento, the Oregon border and that tingly feeling in your toes.



Old, but applicable quote

"Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says 'You.' After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done."

--Jack Handey


This explains a lot...

the Shock Jock
(56% dark, 60% spontaneous, 55% vulgar)
your humor style:

Your sense of humor is off-the-cuff and kind of gross. Is it is also
sinister, cynical, and vaguely threatening to the purer folks of this
world, and you probably get off on that. You would cut a greasy fart,
then blame it on your mom, and then just shrug when someone pointed out
that she's dead.

Yours is hands-down the most outrageous sense of humor; you
like things
trangressive and hardcore. It's highly likely (a) you have no limits
(b) you have no scruples and (c) you have no job. Ironically, it's your
type of humor that can make the biggest bucks in show business.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Howard Stern - Adam Sandler - Roseanne Barr

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 47% on dark
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 90% on spontaneous
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 93% on vulgar
Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on Ok Cupid



So I've been lurking around Romenesko keeping track of the incident involving former Miami city commissioner Art Teele committing suicide in the building of the Miami Herald. In the aftermath of tracing the steps of everything went on, the columnist that Teele called before shooting himself, Jim DeFede, admitted he started tape-recording the conversation. This potentially being a violation of Florida law, the Herald immediatly fired him.

This has been a lot easier for me to keep track of than any other ethical incident since Eric Slater at the L.A. Times since 1) I'm not investigating it for a newspaper and 2) I had already done the incredibly annoying (yet free!) registration process that papers are doing for the Miami Herald a while back, before Dave Barry went on sabbatical.

So, here's the whole deal.

According to Florida law, it's illegal to tape a phone call unless both parties agree to having the conversation taped. Not doing so is a felony.

But, there are exemptions. For a first offense, without illegal intent and not for commercial gain, would be a misdemeanor. Using business telephones is not illegal, period.

This is less strict than the law here in California, where those exceptions don't exist.

So, here's the questions I have on this part: First, as a journalist, it would seem DeFede would be well aware of the recording laws in Florida. Would you then be able to prove there was not illegal intent, if the person's job pretty much requires him to know the legality, no matter how much of a pressure cooker the situation might be? Second (and this is just because I'm occasionally technologically and legalese slow-witted), by "business telephone" does that mean a recorder built into the telephone itself, or that the conversation is being recorded from a business phone line? That issue would factor in on DeFede talking to Teele from a Herald telephone.

The next issue is the paper's reaction. Even if DeFede could be charged with a felony, was it right of the Herald for such an immediate termination? Was it worthwhile for Knight Ridder, which owns the Herald, to suspend DeFede and fully investigate? That's a personal judgement call. As one who is a future journalist, I would personally feel more comfortable if my employer were willing to investigate my side before giving me the ax. If it were to come I had done wrong, then fine, fire me. But at least be fair-minded about it. As someone who has the seen the destructive capability of sloppy reporting and potential fabrication firsthand, those are a lot more damaging to a newspaper's reputation (and profit line) than hitting a record button.

On a side note, having just completed the ethics course at Chico State, what about the Herald running photos of Teele on the ground with a pool of blood coming out of his head? Such a photo really adds to the impact of the story, but it is too squeamish?

I say the initial photo the Hearld posted, taken from headfirst on Teele, probably was. The focus was not on the person, but the blood. A different photo, showing police looking over Teele's body and taken from his feet, still shows some blood, but puts the focus on Teele's body, is a better picture.

Don't overdose on your stupid pills...

N.C. News Editor, Two Reporters Resign

Seriously, how can you be that dumb with your plagarism? I've done those person-on-the-street things before. All you have to do is go someplace where there are a lot of people (like a grocery store) and it takes five minutes. It's not exactly a time-consuming activity. That's why person-on-the-street stuff is so popular, because it's easy to pull off.

And heck yes, they should have been fired immediatly. If I tried this at any of the papers I wrote for, I would have been canned. This includes Indian Ink or the Putawan Press.


In case you're curious...

Final score: Crystal 238, Rob 176.

The funny thing... I'm writing this as Crystal proceeds to kick my ass in a game of Literati. As I start typing this, the score is 50-27 in her favor, and bound to get worse. I haven't done on of those diary-esque "what's going on in my life" posts for awhile, so I'll give it a shot.

Last night was interesting. Nick wound up spending the night on the way back from a run. So, we had a 70-foot long semi and trailer parked in front of our house last night.

Also making a shocking appearance was The Russian. He'll eventually get a whole post describing him, because he's an interesting character.

Two weeks from today, I'll officially be done with my internship at the Post. It's been fun, but I'm really looking forward to starting work on The Orion this semester.

The score's now 69-46.

Adam and I took off the door to my room yesterday to paint it. It was then that we saw the cut Chris had made on it to fit it to the door frame. Now, he put this door up one night at 3 a.m. while drunk. It kind of had this wave thing going to it, which explained why the door never closed. Adam straightened it a bit with a sander.

119-81. For the record, any dictionary that doesn't recognize "spork" sucks. If they made those things in metal, I'd buy them. If they were 6 for a buck like at Wal-Mart, I mean.

What makes me most nervous about this upcoming semester is if the ed board is sold about expanding online. I have all these plans, and Ijust hope I'll stick to them and get them going.

152-122. This will continue. In the meantime, if you're reading this, try commenting or something.

If I had taken physics, I'd feel the same way...

Electron Band Structure in Germanium, My Ass.

I felt this way with many a science experiment. That's why I gave up the thoughts of being an astronomy major around junior year of high school.

The best line:

That's right: I pay a cool ten grand a quarter to come here, and yet they can't spare the five bucks to ensure that I have a working thermos.
Let's hear it for science: frustrating people better suited towards liberal arts since--well, a long time.


Crown Vics need better brakes...

This CHP car went all the way through a wall chasing a car in LA.

You don't want to laugh, but you just can't help it...

Let's hear it for kind of missing the point!

So, the backlash against Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas for the hidden sex scenes in the game is coming full swing, as the company is being faced with their first lawsuit.

But, here's what I think is just as interesting as the hidden sex scene:

A woman upset that she bought the video game "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas" for her 14-year-old grandson without knowing it contained hidden, sexually explicit scenes sued the manufacturer Wednesday on behalf of consumers nationwide.

Here's what I think is being missed: This woman bought an M-rated game for a 14-year-old! M-rated games are the equivilent of an R-rated movie. I know my grandparents wouldn't have bought me American History X or Kill Bill Vol. 1 if they knew what those movies contained.

So, I'm doubly bothered in this situation. Even though I'm a big fan of GTA3. Vice City was just a huge disappointment, and I haven't played San Andreas yet.

Somebody go and bite the sidewalk.


Sweet little--eh, I won't say that...

Why cats will never live the sweet life.

So cats are unable to taste sweet?

That might explain why they're all self-centered evil creatures that will burn in hell. If I didn't have the ability to taste sweet flavors, I'd be an angry creature, too.

But, that's just my opinion.

Quick question...

...Does John Bolton's moustache scare the crap out of anybody else?

...So, the punch line is where?


So, is there still an E for Effort?

I only wish I could be making this up.

This will also be felt in military functions, when catostrophic events are triggered by a "Mass System Deferred Success."

How would mark it up on a report card?

We can only hope, for the sake of preventing the further abuse of political correctness, the group, defers the successful passing of this measure.

Hail Mary in LDS country

Utah's new Arena Football League team is called the Blaze.

Not Blazz, Blazze, Zydeco (works well with Jazz, you could even go ZZydeco), or my personal thought of the Stormin' Mormons.


I finally got to watch Blade: Trinty today. For the record, Jessica Biel is so hot. Marry me. Please.



The first draft of the first 25-30 percent of the script can be read by clicking here.

Image hosted by



What did I learn?

Do. Not. Piss. Off. Vince. Vosti.

Then again, anybody who talks shit about Nick Baker would get the same treatment from me, too.


Some o' dat ol' school Flash...

I was laughing at this a year ago, and I still think it's funny:

The End of the World

F'n kangaroos.

I went to a fight and a hockey lockout ended...

Dear World:

The lockout is over!

Signed Rob, one of the 15 people in California north of San Jose who remotely cares.

Go Canucks.

Speed Bump!

Well, I guess if you're going to fall out of a car onto freeway traffic, you might as well be dead already.

It'd probably hurt less.

Physically in Chico, California...

...Mentally, I've been in Quahog, Rhode Island, and I'm fairly sure I dropped a couple extra levels in Dante's Hell for laughing out loud and repeating in my head Stewie's line to Meg in this last week's Family Guy:

If you kill yourself now, you'll get a whole page in the yearbook.

Sadistic, I know. It still made me laugh.



My B-section story in The Post today got me some compliments, so I'm putting it up here for two reasons: Somebody besides me found my jokes funny, and unless I do, nobody will see it in two weeks without paying for it.

My life as a duffer ... ... or how to be a really bad golfer
By Robert LaHue - Staff Writer

Author Mark Twain described golf as "a good walk spoiled."

Winston Churchill went further, calling the sport "a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-suited for the purpose."

Since its creation in Scotland six centuries ago, golf has been frustrating players. The only differences are that the sport's now worldwide, the materials used to make the clubs and balls have changed, and there's fewer golfers wearing kilts.

Sure, there are many skilled, talented golfers out there (see Woods, Tiger; Mickelson, Phil; etc.), but most golfers are not the type who hit mesmerizing shots that bring awe and respect from others on the course. Most golfers hit mortifying shots that bring guffaws and laughter from others on the course.

This poor golfing can be blamed on a number of things. Perhaps golf courses are strategically placed on strange gravitational vortexes, like the one near Gold Hill, Ore., that cause the ball to travel at trajectories that aren't what you intended when swinging. Maybe the metals mixed into a golf ball's core have a golf course-triggered magnetism to silicon, pulling an otherwise well-hit ball into a sand trap.

However, it's probably not those things. You're probably just a bad golfer.

While being a bad golfer is a skill that is naturally acquired, and can be maintained with constant practice, it takes true skill to be a golfer so horrible as to make the squirrels run in terror at the sight of you walking to the tee box. That is a skill all in itself.

After a Friday morning round at the newly reopened Tuscan Ridge Club on the Skyway, this reporter, who has terrorized golf- course earthworms from Chico to Cave Junction, Ore. and placed fear in water hazards from the Ridge to Battle Mountain, Nevada, once again reaffirmed his ability to stink up a course.

So follow these tips on how to play badly, and if the rules of golf ever change to where the highest score wins, you'll be set.

Don't Warm Up: Good golfers ease their way into a round, usually hitting a small bucket of balls on the driving range before making their way onto the course. This gets the body used to the motion and flow of a good golf swing. True bad golfers should do some stretching to avoid injury, but head straight out for the course. The first three holes are just "practice," anyway.

But should you still feel the need to warm up, there are many bad golfer drills that can done. These included slamming your club against the ground in frustration, swearing quietly under your breath, yelling blood-curdling screams of agony, and wrapping your putter around a tree.

Practice Holes: This is an expansion on the practice philosophy explained above. In theory, unless playing professionally, any golf hole is "practice." But for the bad golfer, it is important to openly proclaim a hole as "practice" to give justification for writing your score down for the hole as five when that was more like the square root of your actual score.

"Practice" is also the justification for playing winter rules in mid-July or abandoning marking the scorecards altogether around the sixth hole when your score is already too high to be added up with a standard calculator.

Grip It and Rip It: How golfers grasp the club varies. Some interlock two fingers (the Vardon grip), some overlap the hands but don't interlock the fingers (the overlapping grip), and some let all 10 fingers touch the club (the 10-finger grip). Bad golfers can pick and choose between these or even alternate between them, since none of them are going to work. Bad golfers may also want to try a fourth grip - praying.

The Law of Averages: Jacques Bernoulli, the Swiss mathematician that came up with this law in the 1700s, probably wasn't thinking of golf when writing it out. But it applies.
The law states the more an activity is done (such as flipping a coin, rolling dice or missing six-inch putts), the more likely it is that the theoretical average will prove to be true.

For a bad golfer, this means that even though you might manage to hit a good long, straight drive over the ravine off the seventh tee at Tuscan Ridge, you will most likely screw up any opportunity for par or better by sending your approach shot into the rough, missing the green on a chip and then three-putting.

Don't Use The Ball Washer: These devices, found at most tee boxes, allow golfers to scrub any dirt residue off the ball, allowing the ball to stay on a truer flight path, along with making the ball look good with a bright white gleam. Don't bother. There's no point in cleaning something that you're likely going to lose within your next six swings.

Laugh A Little: The official credo of the Bad Golfers Association (yes, there is such an actual organization) includes the statement "a day of bad golf is better than some days at the office." Instead of feeling frustrated with your inability to keep your round score out of triple digits (maybe even for nine holes), take your score with a smile.

Golf courses are often built with scenery in mind. The Tuscan Ridge Club is no exception to this. The red landscaped rock, the harsh, dry rough and deep emerald green of the fairways and greens is a cavalcade of color for the golfer to observe and take in. Lizards, dragonflies, and birds move about, creating a real sense of being one with nature. The ninth hole features a pond with a working waterfall. This not only provides fantastic visual imagery, but the noise of moving water is the perfect excuse for why you choked on a chip shot.

Make sure your shoes are comfortable to walk in, since you'll be traversing the course in every direction but straight.

By stopping to look at the scenery around them, a golfer like me can make this little trip around the course a pleasant journey, even if the first three shots off the first tee all hooked badly out of bounds over a ditch, fence and a few acres of grass.

In other words, don't let the bad golf spoil the good walk.

...Golf is like beer. You love it and despise it simultaneously!


Quiet on the Set!

Recently I was shown a website called which lets you write theater/movie scripts in proper formats and all that stuff.

I've noticed it adds a lot of pages. The first nine pages of The Redeemer have become 23 in proper format.

It will be interesting to see how long it will be when fully done.

Fall down go boom

Ever had one of those days where you just wanted to go someplace secluded and randomly blow stuff up?


D'oh! (not for the Cult!)

Seriously, how stupid has our country become on the median level?

Earlier tonight, while eating dinner, I watched a commercial for Crestor, a drug to help improve the good/bad cholesterol levels in the body. Now, this may not be exact words said in the commercial, but it's pretty damn close.

Crestor has been shown to reduce bad cholesterol levels by up to 52 percent. That's about half.
I mean, are you trying to tell me that so many Americans have become so inept of pre-junior high school math that we have to explain that 52 percent is right about half? Here I was thinking that statement "5 out of 4 people have trouble with their fractions" was a complete joke!

Dear God, please protect me from sin, coffee and cholesterol drug advertising.

Something I can say that you probably can't...

...and if you can say this, it's kinda scary...

I found that sock that's been missing for over a week when I went out and played a round of golf for the first time in eight months.

That's where my luck ended though, because my ability to hit enough good shots in row to reguarly score par still does not exist.


On the Record...

I usually reserve the stronger language for my private blog, but this is an exception:

Fuck Terrorists.


For the record, I would never retire a cell phone by placing it on a board, securing it in place with 12 shots from a nail gun, smashing it against a concrete step and for the grand finale, making a little Nokia Flambe with some Mapp gas.

Then again, I'm not my roommates.



Really lame yet laughable pirate jokes, stolen from Bone:

What does a vegan pirate do in jail?

How did the pirate stop smoking?
He used the patch!

Why did the pirate go on vacation?
He needed some AARRRGGH and AARRRGGH!

Have you heard about the new pirate movie?
It’s rated AARRRRGGH!

What's a pirate's favorite kind of cookie?
Ships ahoy

How much did the pirate pay for his peg leg and hook?
An arm and a leg!

What is a pirates favorite study subject?

What do you call a pirate that skips class?
Captain Hooky!


I stole this from my future assistant editor, Kyle. It's mucho funny.

Image hosted by

nu $#!7 4 u!!!!!!!!!

You'll see some changes on the site, starting with over there on the right-hand side.

I added a couple of new links, and started a new music section where I link to bands I like. Maybe, from here on out, I could be bribed. I accept checks that aren't made of rubber, coin of the realm, and six-packs from most North American microbrews.

But if there's only one music link you click, make it The HC's own Brad Burns. And this was a non-bribed plug!!!!

Say Wha...

I only wish I could dream up the possibility of a Russian astrologer suing NASA over giving a comet a smackdown with a probe.

But alas, it's true.

Here's what I want to know. On the extreme case this works, would I then be able to go to Russia and sue Planned Parenthood for inevitably killing a future President of the United States, a future Nobel Prize winner, and future NFL Hall of Famer? Because if this astrologer thing works, then that's got to work.


You know, the fact that your bottle of wine is talking to you may no longer be because you are really, really obliterated. It may be beacuse the label talks.

Italy: further blurring the line between the sober world and drunk world.


In Other News...

This is a post where I honestly have nothing to say, I'm just posting because I haven't in a while.

Maybe I'll find something good to talk about a little later.

Oh yeah, I'm attempting to create a Wikipedia entry for Dark Mullet characters. Should be interesting if they get accepted.