Everything I ever needed to know I learned through spam.

This is an attempt to be original and funny. How this will work out? I don't have a clue. This has probably already been done anyways.

EVERYTHING I EVER NEEDED TO KNOW I LEARNED THROUGH SPAM

1) The financial opportunities in Nigeria are amazing.
2) Men can easily get larger, firmer breasts.
3) Women can easily get longer-lasting erections.
4) Apple doesn't really sell iPods anymore...everybody can just get them for free by filling out surveys.
5) There are at least 4,721 hot sexy women in my hometown desperate to meet me RIGHT NOW. Never mind there's only 800 people total in my hometown.
6) No, seriously, invest Nigerian. You'll make millions.
7) All girls badly want to pose provocativly and naked in front of webcams for me the instant they turn 18.
8) Prawpr spelin; an grammur: izn"t neccesari when u wannt 2 sel sumting....1..
9) By doing nothing but clicking on computer buttons, I can flatten my abs.
10) Some cruel parents actually gave their kids awful names like "Free Scooter Giveaway" and "You Can Be A Cop."
11) In case you haven't heard yet, the secret to making millions is knowing people in Nigeria.

Let me know more! I'll add them!

Letter from the William Randolph Hearst Foundation

Dear Robert,

CONGRATULATIONS! I am delighted to inform you that you have tied for Sixteenth Place in the Sports Writing category of the Hearst Journalism Awards Program.

There were 72 students competing from 43 journalism schools across the country in the fourth writing competition of the 2004-2005 program year.

It will be my pleasure to send a William Randolph Hearst Certificate of Merit to you via your department of journalism. You will also receive a copy of the annual yearbook, which will be mailed to you next fall.

Again, congratulations and thank you for participating in our 45th annual program.

Dark Mullet review

Dark Mullet is the new release from Don Punaton Productions:

Anticipation is a human emotion that, when harnessed properly, can bring great success to a motion picture, or doom it to obscurity for failing to live up to enhanced expectations.

Director Allen Scott of Don Punaton Productions found himself riding an anticipation wave with the announcement of producing a movie based on the Scott Farms superhero comic Dark Mullet. He, along with co-executive producer Seth Binderup, then found that wave growing when unexpected delays pushed the film’s release back to Christmas of 2004. How would this film play to loyal Don Punaton fans who had waited almost three years since the release of The Christmas Project for another full-length film?

As it turns out, pretty well. The film is a cinematic, action-filled tour-de-excitement, with an easy to follow plot with unexpected twists and turns, and a thrilling ending that will leave fans begging for a sequel.

As a young child, Sam Samson (played in the child role by debuting Ethan Cole) learns from his dying grandfather that his last name has more than biblical themes…he is actually the direct descendant of the biblical Samson, whom God granted superhuman abilities with the corresponding length of his hair. Samson learns this gift comes with a powerful responsibility—he must take over for his grandfather, and assume to role of the follicularly-enhanced superhero, Dark Mullet.

Flipping ahead 15 years to the future, Samson (now played by Scott himself) is now defending the crime-ridden city of Tulelake, often beating to punch the police commissioner O’Hara (David Campbell), while passing himself off as a mild-mannered prosecuting attorney.

During a press conference one day, Tulelake is stunned by the sudden appearance of former Massachusetts senator Phillip Dagon (Binderup), who was forced to leave the Senate after a near-fatal car accident. With a new secretary, the hypnotizing Miss Deliah (Meredith Polk) and loyal bodyguard Gunter (Kevin Marcussen) at his side, Dagon announces his return to politics with a planned run for the presidency of the United States.

Dagon’s platform, however, rests on a difficult issue—locating Dark Mullet and utilizing his superhuman abilities. Away from the public eye, Dagon has become power-mad, and wants Dark Mullet’s hair, no matter what it takes. That, of course, includes kidnapping world-renouned scientist Dr. Carl Vidrickson (Adam Alcorn) and freeing from custody notorious supercriminal The Stylist (Jimmy Havlina)

As Dagon starts lining his ducks in a row for plans of world domination, Samson does not entirely trust Dagon, but will soon find himself in a battle, with the future of us all at stake.

Also providing strong supporting roles in the film are David Todd, Luke DuVal, Brad Kirby, Ryan Petty and Nick Scott, Allen’s younger brother, who should take over Ted Raimi’s role as best actor who is the younger brother of a prominent director any day now.

Danny Elfman provides a dynamite soundtrack, even outside of songs provided by, among others, the Beatles and Velvet Revolver.

Rumor has it that the script for at least one sequel has already been created, and Dark Mullet has set the bar high. But if any production team can meet that level, it’s the group at Don Punaton.

--Review by Robert LaHue

Almost forgot my Orion contributions this week:

Stolen street signs cost city thousands annually- The graphic with that story rocks. Phil, the news designer, is a bad ass.

Police Blotter- This week featuring transients in trees and sidewalks, and throwing fruit.

Jack Comic- F*ck William Hung!

The Importance of Headlines...

In journalism, one of the key elements of a story is a good headline. You have to let people know what goes on in a 600-word story in just five. It takes the term "Reader's Digest version" to a whole other level.

But when journalism students start learning to write headlines (in my case, that would be in News Editing & Copyreading...thanks, Dr.B) something we have to be careful is not arrange the words in ways that create double meanings.

The lab manual for the class gave a number of examples of headlines that managed to slip through the editor's eye. Some of them are a real hoot. Remember, these all managed to get printed in newspapers.

Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers

Drunk gets nine months in violin case

Survivor of Siamese twins joins parents

Farmer bill dies in house

Iraqi head seeks arms

Stud tires out

Prostitutes appeal to pope

Panda mating fails; veterinarian takes over

Soviet Virgin lands short of goal again

Teacher strikes idle kids

Squad helps dog bite victim

Shot off woman's leg help Nicklaus to 66

Enraged cow injures farmer with ax

Juvenile court to try shooting defendant

Stolen painting found by tree

Two Soviet ships collide, one dies.

Never withhold herpes infection from loved one

Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84

War dims hope for peace

If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while

Cold wave linked to temperatures

Man is fatally slain

All I can say is...

Ouch.

The Lunacy of Courts #4....

Colorado Teens Fined for Giving Cookies to Neighbors.

For crying out loud, it's COOKIES! You're getting a panic attack over freaking COOKIES? Hey, if anybody from this town reads this, do me a favor: bake this dumbass cookies every night. Leave them on the porch at 2 a.m. Maybe if that happens, she'll get over her stupid little panic attacks and grow up.

Maybe voting makes terrorists dumber...

So-called U.S. hostage appears to be toy.

Wow. What freakin' morons.