Robert's House of Hamsters

Somewhere between Sacramento, the Oregon border and that tingly feeling in your toes.


Oh, this is great...

How to Prank a Telemarketer. (Thanks to Kymm)

24 is back...

So, here are tongue-in-cheek thoughts on the first two episodes of Day 6:

*After successfully getting to White Castle, Kumar became a terrorist.

*Also don't forget Rube Baker from the Major League series as paranoid-about-terrorist-guy-that-gets-shot-by-Kumar.

*You'd think Jack would grow more facial hair than that after 18 months in a Chinese prison.

*Also on hair: Does anybody really believe anyone as neurotic as Chloe would dye her hair?

*If you thought Jack getting a car to flip with a few shots from a handgun during last season's premiere was crazy, this time around he killed someone by biting them.

*Geez, how many rich, successful kids are there in the Palmer family?

*Jack can use a terrorist's tie as a weapon against them.

*I'm now confused on the number of people Jack has killed on the show. You see, he was at 129 coming into the start of the season. Guy he bit on the neck was #130. Now, does the terrorist on the train count? I mean, he was a suicide bomber, and he did push the button, back Jack kicked him out of the train, so maybe he died when he hit the ground before the bomb exploded. It's a possibillity.

Nor-Cal Barbies

This has been making the rounds on MySpace, and I think it's hilarious. If you can think of any more additions, please let me know and I'll add them onto the one floating around MySpace.

Mattel recently announced the release of Limited-Edition Barbie dolls for the Northern California area:

Humboldt Barbie: This Barbie is sold only in Arcata, and is made of actual tofu. She comes with hairy armpits, archless feet, an assortment of tie-dye ponchos, a Prius, some unidentified leafy herbs, and a house with an asking price four times its value. Available with or without old-growth logging protest signs. Seeds and growing kit sold separately and only by prescription. Note: Bra not available on this version.

Redding Barbie: This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching velour gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately.

Marysville Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9 mm handgun, three of her own teeth, a Bronco with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash, preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don't know what the h*** you are talking about.........

Palo Cedro Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included is her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School.

Red Bluff Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a 24-pack of Busch and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

Cottonwood Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Corning Barbie's (discontinued) trailer. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top.

Orland Barbie: This Spanish-only-speaking Barbie comes with a circa 1958 single-wide, two Rancheros on cement blocks, a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were available, but have become very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

Chico Barbie: This Barbie comes complete with a fake ID that only works when Barbie flashes her college titties at the door. Her custom made perfume smells like cheap tequila and stale cigarettes. She doesn't come with a handbag since she is used to Ken, Kent , Kenny or whoever buying her drinks, but she does come complete with a bandolier of condoms and cell phone, complete with OB-GYN on speed dial. Frat Boy Ken sold separately and comes with his own beer keg, male entourage, and a toilet for puking.

Paradise Barbie: This Barbie is accessorized with a filthy trenchcoat, fake teeth and stolen bottle of cinnamon Schnapps. Several mullet options are available, including fluffy, ratty and braided. Food stamp card exists, but PIN number for it doesn't work. Wardrobe/shopping cart sold separately.

Happy Camp Barbie: Very few people have ever heard of this Barbie or know where to find it. It comes complete with your choice of a half-rack of Budweiser or bottle of Mad Dog, aama stick, all tools necessary to grow the plants Humboldt Barbie takes credit for and notebook to log Bigfoot sightings (statues don't count). Brush Dancing Ken also available.

Placerville Barbie: This Barbie comes complete with a flannel jacket two sizes too large as well as a smashed pack of Marlboro Reds. Placerville Barbie likes to go wood-cutting and she looks great with (sleeveless) Lumberjack Ken, provided the ax accessory kit is included. Accessories are hard to find, though, as the El Dorado County Sheriff's Department holds most of them as evidence related to Barbie being accused of passing bad checks at the local K-Mart (excuse me, Big K). Don't be fooled by the trashy exterior, though, cuz someday she'll be highly coveted. Placerville Barbie should be held on to for a few decades until she becomes desireable to flatlanders, just like houses and land in Placerville.


Days of my life

So I got bored, looked around the blogs of people I knew and came across the idea of using This Day in Music to see what was #1 on the days of various key events of my life.

Day I was born: "Beat It" by Michael Jackson (not a good start)
Day I won my first football game: "Candle in the Wind 1997" by Elton John (okay, that just gives away the year)
Day I could first buy a can of chew but never will: "All for You" by Janet Jackson (damn Jacksons, they pop up, or out in Janet's case, everywhere)
Day I graduated high school: "Lady Marmalade" by Christina Aguilera (I hate Moulin Rouge)
Day I graduated junior college: "21 Questions" by 50 Cent (wow, I don't even remember 50 Cent being around then...)
Day I first went into a bar: "Yeah" by Usher featuring Lil John and Ludacris (WHAT? WHAT? O-KAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!)
Day I first ate caviar in Vegas: "Gold Digger" by Kanye West (I prefer the Carlos Mencia version)
Day I graduated college: "Run It" by Chris Brown (Nuh-uh! No R&B, damn it!)
Day my grandma died: "Bad Day" by Daniel Powter (No duh)
First day of the new job: "My Love" by Justin Timberlake featuring T.I. (Double nuts)
Today: Information not available (Come on! Stay on top of this stuff!)


Open note

To: Boise State University football team

From: Myself, every other person that absolutely hates the Bowl Championship Series system for determining a national college football champion, every other person that saw the hypocrisy in the university presidents of BCS conferences who said they don't want a playoff system because of the long schedule conflicting with players' studies then turned around and OK'd an additional preseason game, every other person who thinks there's more to mid-major football conferences than a fluke win by Utah two years ago, every other person who can't figure out why the NCAA bothers having 11 Division 1-A football conferences but only giving six a real chance to win a national title, every other person who still holds out hope that a playoff system inviting all conferences will win out over big-time bowl money even though playoffs don't necessarily have to mean a loss of the cash

Message: THANK YOU!

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International Superhit!

When I checked my web traffic for my blog this morning, I was stunned to discover a very interesting details.

Sure, there were the usual cities on there (Medford, Sacramento, Bronx, Chico, etc.) but there were quite a few international locales as well:

*Bratislava, Slovakia
*Perth, Australia (normally, its Melbourne)
*Yokohama, Japan
*London, England
*Sheffield, England

Now, there's one more, and it's kind of freaky: Sharjah, United Arab Emirates. More specifically, from the Sharjah Department of Culture and Information.

What does the UAE want with me? Considering the country's reputation for treatment of foreign workers, I hoping it's not a job offer. You'll never take me alive!