Robert's House of Hamsters

Somewhere between Sacramento, the Oregon border and that tingly feeling in your toes.

1.15.2007

Nor-Cal Barbies

This has been making the rounds on MySpace, and I think it's hilarious. If you can think of any more additions, please let me know and I'll add them onto the one floating around MySpace.

Mattel recently announced the release of Limited-Edition Barbie dolls for the Northern California area:

Humboldt Barbie: This Barbie is sold only in Arcata, and is made of actual tofu. She comes with hairy armpits, archless feet, an assortment of tie-dye ponchos, a Prius, some unidentified leafy herbs, and a house with an asking price four times its value. Available with or without old-growth logging protest signs. Seeds and growing kit sold separately and only by prescription. Note: Bra not available on this version.

Redding Barbie: This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching velour gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately.

Marysville Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9 mm handgun, three of her own teeth, a Bronco with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash, preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don't know what the h*** you are talking about.........

Palo Cedro Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included is her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School.

Red Bluff Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a 24-pack of Busch and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

Cottonwood Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Corning Barbie's (discontinued) trailer. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top.

Orland Barbie: This Spanish-only-speaking Barbie comes with a circa 1958 single-wide, two Rancheros on cement blocks, a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were available, but have become very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

Chico Barbie: This Barbie comes complete with a fake ID that only works when Barbie flashes her college titties at the door. Her custom made perfume smells like cheap tequila and stale cigarettes. She doesn't come with a handbag since she is used to Ken, Kent , Kenny or whoever buying her drinks, but she does come complete with a bandolier of condoms and cell phone, complete with OB-GYN on speed dial. Frat Boy Ken sold separately and comes with his own beer keg, male entourage, and a toilet for puking.

Paradise Barbie: This Barbie is accessorized with a filthy trenchcoat, fake teeth and stolen bottle of cinnamon Schnapps. Several mullet options are available, including fluffy, ratty and braided. Food stamp card exists, but PIN number for it doesn't work. Wardrobe/shopping cart sold separately.

Happy Camp Barbie: Very few people have ever heard of this Barbie or know where to find it. It comes complete with your choice of a half-rack of Budweiser or bottle of Mad Dog, aama stick, all tools necessary to grow the plants Humboldt Barbie takes credit for and notebook to log Bigfoot sightings (statues don't count). Brush Dancing Ken also available.

Placerville Barbie: This Barbie comes complete with a flannel jacket two sizes too large as well as a smashed pack of Marlboro Reds. Placerville Barbie likes to go wood-cutting and she looks great with (sleeveless) Lumberjack Ken, provided the ax accessory kit is included. Accessories are hard to find, though, as the El Dorado County Sheriff's Department holds most of them as evidence related to Barbie being accused of passing bad checks at the local K-Mart (excuse me, Big K). Don't be fooled by the trashy exterior, though, cuz someday she'll be highly coveted. Placerville Barbie should be held on to for a few decades until she becomes desireable to flatlanders, just like houses and land in Placerville.

2 Comments:

  • At 12:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    hey you forgot the Millville Barbie
    o Millville is next to palo cedro kinda

     
  • At 9:16 PM, Anonymous Amber Anderson said…

    Would you please make a Millville barbie

     

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