Robert's House of Hamsters

Somewhere between Sacramento, the Oregon border and that tingly feeling in your toes.


Redneck golf rules

1) One club. That's it. Choose wisely.
2) Foam or plastic practice balls.
3) The cup is a coffee mug
4) Players can rotate the cup towards their ball before shot.
5) Swing and a miss=stroke. No mulligans.
6) Hitting another player with a shot during play will result in a penalty for the player that was hit.
7) One tee. That's it. Don't break it.
8) The tee for a hole must be in the vicinity of the cup for the previous hole
9) Players alternate placing cup for next hole.
10) Jiggling cup with your foot to get the ball to go in is perfectly legal.
11) The cup must be placed so rotation is allowed.
12 (optional): Safe consumption of alcohol is encouraged.


Conservative Collegians Strike Back!!!

Conservative Students Target Liberal Profs

Great. Eff'n. Article.

Well, besides the bias.

But this is something I've felt in some of my classes. What does the results of the election have to do with poetry or designing a pre-organized newspaper layout? Nothing!

Just to note, I checked out complainted lodged on the Students for Academic Freedom website. Want to take a little stab at what California State University campus has the most complaints?

For those bad at guessing or those who don't know where I go to school, the answer is Chico.


Football Conference Realignments.

Okay, let's see if we can get some people's heads spinning around.

Big East Conference This Year:
Boston College
West Virginia

Big East Conference Next Year:
West Virginia
Cincinnatti (from Conf. USA)
Louisville (from Conf. USA)
South Florida (From Conf. USA)
West Virginia

Conference USA This Year:
East Carolina
South Florida
Southern Miss
Texas Christian

Conference USA Next Year:
East Carolina
Southern Miss
Texas Christian
Marshall (from MAC)
Central Florida (from MAC)
Rice (from WAC)
Southern Methodist (from WAC)
Tulsa (from WAC)
UTEP (from WAC)

WAC This Year:
Boise State
Fresno State
Louisiana Tech
Southern Methodist
San Jose State

WAC Next Year:
Boise State
Fresno State
Louisiana Tech
San Jose State
Idaho (from Sun Belt)
New Mexico State (from Sun Belt)
Utah State (from Sun Belt)

Sun Belt this Year:
New Mexico State
Utah State
Middle Tennessee State
North Texas
Arkansas State

Sun Belt Next Year:
Middle Tennessee State
North Texas
Arkansas State
Florida Atlantic
Florida International.

Confused Yet?

Poetry from the Sand...

Guest author today.

This is my good friend from back home, PFC Michael Fitzpatrick of the 615th Aviation Support Batallion of the 1st Cavalry.

Santa Doesn’t Come

Every other year, Santa and the Reindeer,

Live on the roof over my head,

And we’re all sincere, with our holiday cheer,

As we hang up our stockings before going to bed,

And in one night Santa pulls quite a trick,

An old, old legend inspired by St. Nick,

On a day when 2000 years ago occurred something a little stranger,

When a star’s guiding light brought three wise men to a manger,

We read that Gospel tale, and wait for Kris Kringle as well,

While the lights twinkle ‘round the Christmas tree,

And I’d snuggle under my sheets, while sugarplums danced to different beats,

Surrounded by the ones I love on a snow-covered Christmas Eve,

But if Santa Clause made a stop here,

He’d find naught a roof with eight little Reindeer,

Nor a chimney or fireplace with stockings tainted with soot,

But only a pair of worn-out brown combat boots,

A sleeping bag is there, along with a chair,

A box-spring mattress that dips in the middle,

An M16, and a thirty round magazine,

A Kevlar, a flak vest, and a half-eaten bag of Skittles,

But Santa doesn’t come by,

In this land only mortars fly,

Christmas is just another day alone,

In a desert so far away from home,

Upon that box spring lying, is a soldier who is crying,

Only a tattered uniform hugs him here,

Though sobbing he is praying, and this is what he’s saying,

His only hope revealed amidst his lonely tears,

“Dear God, because I am so far away,

I have no presents but the words I pray,

And so I ask this Christmas Eve,

If you’d deliver them for me,

“I know I haven’t been good, or acted the way I should,

But I don’t want the love in my heart to ever go out,

Every day is just more sand, and I feel like this is all I am,

It’s so hard to remember what this is all about,

“Each day I rise to battle and to fight,

But to all my enemies, I ask this holy night,

Please forgive me, for I am not any more worthy of life,

I know that you too want to return home to your kids and your wife,

“God, please let all the people here, good and bad be cheered,

Knowing that they are very special to You,

And maybe cause this war to end, when they know that I’m a friend,

We’re all people, whether Christian, Muslim, or Jew,

“God, I have thousands of comrades at arms around me,

Who tonight hear a faint jingle in their ears and are so lonely,

For are not soldiers a composite of the honorable ones?

Husbands, fathers, wives, mothers, daughters, and sons?

“Grant them peace, that their loneliness may cease,

And remembrance that they have so much to be thankful for,

As they recall each kiss, and every hug at Christmas,

May this night the scales of life reveal they are far from poor,

“God, my family and friends tonight are without me,

Please fill that absence with Your heavenly jubilee,

That though I must spend this Christmas with my platoon,

Remind them that in but a blink, I will be home soon,

“God, I ask their forgiveness, with you as my witness,

This gift to them is all I can afford,

Here, stripped of all I care about, I realized without a doubt,

I could’ve been a better son and friend to them, O Lord,

“Since tonight we are so far apart,

Maybe You could bring them my heart,

And tell them that from my toes to my head to the tip of my hands,

I love them more than the number of grains in all this sand,

“Finally God, please don’t leave me, You complete me so completely,

You’re the only friend I have to share Christmas Eve,

As I prepare to fall asleep, I hear Your echoes from the deep,

The miracle of Your grace persists, and my soul still believes,

“Good Night Lord, my prayer has taken flight,

Tomorrow is just another day, but I think now I’ll be alright,

Because I know I have an eternal friend,

Thank You, and Amen.”

The soldier let out a sigh, and the closed his eyes,

And drifted into a slumberous, restful sleep,

The tears that stained his face, by joy had been replaced,

And it wasn’t sleight bells but Divine echoes from the deep,

That reached a lonely soldier far from home on Christmas Eve.

-Michael Fitzpatrick
Christmas Eve 2004


Gotta love it.

Prickly City may be one of the greatest comics ever.

Happy Holidays.


One-track mind...

Toy Maker Equips Toy Train With Condom

I'm sorry, but I just started laughing when I got to this line:

The toy freight car, which comes packaged with a "Billy Boy" condom is available in HO scale, or 1/87th of the actual size of a freight train, just under 4 inches long, and Z scale, which is 1/220th of the size of a real train.

I think it was the "just under 4 inches long" part that did it. :D

Then, this is a winner for Sue-Happy Culture Causing Companies to Extensivly Cover Their Rears file:

The packaging offers no instructions on running the miniature train but does have illustrated instructions on using the condom.

And blahditty blah blah blah...

What's Christmas about again?

Christians protest actions that play down Christmas' religous nature

We have a brand new addition to the Dumb Quotations List. This is compliments of Brian O'Leary, president of the Maplewood, N.J. school board:

Board President Brian O'Leary said in a statement that playing songs that "focus on religious holidays ... could become an opportunity not to learn about a religious holiday or tradition, but to celebrate it."

Uh...what? I doubt your districts are giving kids a couple weeks out of school because they need a de-stresser or time with their parents. I think there might have originally been a holiday involved.


What the future holds...

Well, since I had to sign in to post in my friend Crystal's blog, I might as well drop the dirt on what the future holds for me.

Last month, I applied for the opinion editor position at The Orion for the spring semester. I didn't get it. That happens. I talked it over with the bottom of a bottle of whisky and started figuring out my future options. Here's what I've determined.

I won't be back on Opinion in the spring. Instead, I'll be working on the A-section news staff. I went this route for a variety of reason. I know how much some people out there really look forward to reading my columns, if for no other reason than it creates a wide range of viewpoints in a paper that, just speaking truthfully, can ignore the conservative demographic on campus considerably. I think it's getting better about that compared to previous years, but there's still a way to go.

So, if I stayed in opinion, I'll be furthuring my work there. However, I feel that this semester in particular I'll really be bettering myself as a journalist to the maximum by writing for the news staff. Becky's going to be editor; she was my editor on Sports and a damn good one. In fact, here's that staff that I know of right now: Becky Regan, Brea Jones, Stephanie Teague, and Robert LaHue. Among those four in journalistic skill and talent, I'll rank myself fourth. And there's still at least three slots on the staff to fill, and I can slide even further down the list. So I'll really be testing myself in that group, and they'll be pressing me to give an all-out effort, which is always good.

Then, there's the opportunity to do the police beat, covering the Chico PD and University PD. It's a type of writing I've always wanted to go for, plus I'll get to do the ever-popular "Police Blotter" section. (I don't know if I'll get something like "Subject has a live squirrel in box" or "Caller said his brainwaves are being altered by the television" but it'll be fun to hope).

Am I never coming back to Opinion? Doubt it. I love doing it, too. I'll probably apply for the editor job again for Fall '05, but plans could change. I dunno.

I'll probably create satire columns or something and write them up here and stuff. This blog isn't going to die. I'll likely won't have all the funny hate mail to respond to, but I'll live somehow.

So let's see where this takes us.