One that I must archive in all eternity...

I really enjoy when I get to inject some humor in my stories at The Post. Especially after the last few days I had (which you all that are my MySpace friends have some knowledge of), I really need something to be able to laugh about.

That being said, here's my barely funny look at what causes hay fever.

Pre-Post Script: I've been listening to "Pepper" by Butthole Surfers a lot lately, and I have no idea why...

The biology of allergies
Story by Robert LaHue

Are you suffering from itchy, watery eyes?

Plugged-up sinuses?

Headaches?

A feeling of disdain after having to pay over 50 bucks to fill up your car with a tank of gas?

The first three problems are likely allergies. The last one you probably wish was just an allergy problem, but it's actually being caused by God-knows-what.

Anyhow, this is the time of year when sufferers of pollen-caused allergies, known collectively as hay fever, start contributing to the financial well-being of manufacturers of allergy medication and facial tissue.

Allergy sufferers shouldn't feel alone in their misery. The American Academy of Allergy, Asthma and Immunology say that approximately 36 million Americans are sniffling, watery-eyed and fatigued around this time of year.

But what exactly is going on inside the body of a hay fever victim? The answer, in short, is "highly scientific stuff." But that doesn't really help readers of this story unless they are aware what the highly scientific stuff is.

This is a lighthearted, humorous look at what actually goes on in the human body with a hay fever allergy. It's lighthearted and humorous for two reasons -- first, when suffering from allergies, sometimes all one can really do is laugh about it. Second, the lightheartedness will compensate for the fact that the author was horrible at biology.

That being said, there's some explaining to do.

Definition of hay fever

The term hay fever does not refer to an allergic reaction to hay. It's also not a misspelling of "hey" as in "Hey! You just sneezed on me. That's gross."

Any sort of an allergic reaction to airborne pollen is considered hay fever. The proper medical name of hay fever, according to WebMD, is rhinitis. This name was determined by the tendency of hay fever suffers to walk around sounding like a snorting rhinoceros, thus the "rhin" at the beginning.

Just kidding. The name "rhinitis" gives references to the fact that the airborne pollen is breathed in, as "rhino" is the Greek word for nose.

Pollen

Got hay fever? Blame it on sex.

Really.

The pollens that cause hay fever play an important role the sexual reproduction of trees, flowers and grasses.

Pollen grains contain the male reproductive cells of plants. The pollen is used to transport these cells to the plant's female reproductive organ, the pistil.

There are two types of pollen, entomopheilous and anemophilous. While these words are incredibly long and contain a lot of vowels, there is a reason the pollens have these names.

Entomopheilous means "insect-loving." These types of pollens are too heavy to be transported through the air. Instead, plants with entomopheilous pollen rely on insects such as bees to transport pollens to flowers. Entomopheilous plants include sunflowers and orchids.

Since these insect-loving pollens are too heavy to become airborne, you don't breathe them in. In other words, sunflowers won't make you sneeze.

Now anemophilous, or "wind-loving" pollens are the real culprit. These lighter pollens can be spread to flowers by, in the immortal words of Bob Dylan, "blowin' in the wind."

Of course, instead of these pollen grains flying into a flower, they can fly into a nose. That's where the trouble begins.

What's going on in the body?

The human immune system -- what a fickle thing it can be.

The immune system is the body's version of an army. It mounts a defense against the enemies that look to harm the body, such as germs and viruses and other nasty things.

Problem is, the immune system's not perfect. Sometimes it can be overly defensive, and that's what's going on with a hay fever allergy.

For genetic reasons, a person's immune system might consider the harmless pollen to be something much more dangerous, like the flu virus, E. coli bacteria or the Teletubbies (kidding about that last one).

But, this misrecognition of pollen grains as a dangerous invader causes the immune system to spring into action and produce antibodies. As the antibodies get into a "West Side Story"-style brawl with the wayward pollen grains (but with less finger-snapping, dance choreography and singing), chemicals such as histamine are released into the body. It's the histamine that binds with receptors on cells, which causes the standard hay fever symptoms.

In other words, it's not the pollen's fault, either.

So there you go. That's the process of the hay fever allergies noses, flower sex and "West Side Story."

Now pass me the Benadryl.