First time in over a year and its out of frustration

An attitude I thought would eventually pay
Instead appears to have left me stuck
A trap unintentionally self-made
For a horrible crime called concern.

Evidentially in order to succeed
I have to be a backstabber
Leaving a trail of train wrecks
To move up in this world.

Is this how neutral feels?
Sickening, disappointed, frustrated?
I don't think I'll ever recover,
I'm damned for having a conscience.

I can't figure out when to go or stay
Abandon this right for that right.
And only time will tell
Whether I'm blowing it or getting blown away.